You Know I Hate Myself
by Kandalyn Kohl
Summary: Bella is bullied at school, abused by Charlie, and has become depressed. She turns to cutting herself. But what will happen when fate throws her straight into the path of the Cullens? Trigger warning for self harm. Much OOC.
1. Chapter 1: And I Cut Myself to Feel

**Hello...well this is my first fan fic, probably real shitty so hate on me if you like. The characters are really out of character in this one, I know. **

**Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own Twilight, if I did I wouldn't have let it get turned into a crappy movie that does no justice to Stephanie Meyer's genius!**

**Enjoy the story I guess?**

**Chapter One: And I Cut Myself to Feel**

_"And I cut myself so I could feel something I know is not a lie." -Marianas Trench, Say Anything._

Bella POV

I gripped the side of the bathtub with one hand, my other hand dripping blood onto the floor of the tub. I normally didn't cut in the mornings; the close proximity to the beginning of school made it harder to face everyone with my usual feigned indifference.

But now I was awake and alert, no longer submerged in the numbness that I had slowly grown to hate in myself. As I lost pieces of my life bit by bit, the cutting became the only thing I could feel, the only thing that told me that I was alive. That any of this was real.

Not that I didn't feel it. The beatings. The whispered rumors and taunting. Missing my mother. Long story short, I hate my life, my life hates me, and I don't have the guts to end all the shit.

I clean up the blood and pull on some clothes, then head downstairs. To my relief, Charlie was not in the kitchen, which enabled me to head out the back door. The thing about Charlie was that if he wasn't drunk, angry, pissed, or all of the above, it was possible to avoid his wrath by staying well out of his way.

That meant out of the house if possible.

It was raining again, but that was typical Forks weather to you. I liked Arizona better, but when my mother, a cocaine addict, committed suicide, I was sent to Forks to live with Charlie. Sometimes I wanted to hate, or at least blame my mother and her many problems for condemning me to life in a rainy, miserable hell, but I knew enough of her despair to be able to forgive her.

The murmuring began the second I stepped into the parking lot. I bowed my head slightly, letting my brown hair fall to hide my face.

_There goes the emo whore._

_Skinny ass cunt._

_Didn't your brother see her hanging around the trashier parts of town last weekend?_

I don't say anything at all, but when I reach the main corridor I head straight for the nearest washroom. It was a shitty idea to cut this morning. It was an even shittier idea to come to school at all this morning.

_I am such an idiot. Such a stupid idiot. _

Trying to silence the voices in my head, I break into a run down an empty hall. Just as I turn a corner, I run straight into a short black haired girl and fall against the floor, dropping my bag.

"Damnit! Oh, shoot, I'm so sorry.." I scramble back onto my feet, ignoring the old injuries that scream at the impact. Fuck, it was like running into a concrete wall!

As I straighten up, I suddenly become aware of two things. One, that I fell on my arm. Two, my arm is now bleeding.

_Oh..Fuck._

**Thats the first chapter! *whew* gosh that was hard to write seriously if anyone tells you its easy to write this stuff it ISN'T they are probably some sort of literary cyborg and should not be trusted.**

I hope to get the next chapter up soon, it would be really nice if you could rate and review on what I could improve on or how you want to see the story play out!

**-Kandice**


	2. Chapter 2: I Breathe Disaster

**Hello again! Thank you so much to everyone who faved/followed/reviewed, appreciating it from the bottom of my heart!  
>In response to a comment in the reviews: Yes, I am aware that this story is OOC to, uh, basically the nth degree? Okay, I admit that this wont be as much of a fanfic per se, than it is a ripping off of the setting and a *shameless* exploitation of the Twilight characters..I know, I should try writing more original fics and I have tried, but it is really, really difficult to come up with a believable set of characters, setting, and all that. Gosh I'm so lazy... :P<strong>

**Just to clarify: In this story the Cullens are new to Forks, Bella has lived in Forks for a while already prior to the start of the story. Oh, and yes, another MTrench title..**

**Chapter Two: I Breathe Disaster**

Edward POV

With a slight sigh, I follow Alice and Jasper down the empty hall. Alice led the way in her typical exuberant fashion, hopping in front of Jasper as silently as any of us. It seemed that Jasper was holding up well in the new environment. Between what I gathered from Alice's foresight and Jasper's thoughts, he would be fine, so Rosalie and Emmett had gone their own way.

My head was a different story, though. The school had received us with the usual amount of mental atention, and sadly I was the target of most of this, being single. Listening to all this...mental interference, if you will, was very unpleasant.

Thankfully, both my sibling's minds were relatively quiet. Alice was casually optimistic about the day, while Jasper was actually somewhat blank.

Then Alice's vision, urgent and alarming, flashes into my head just as we reach the end of the hall. As soon as I see it I realize that it can not be prevented.

Alive stops, but the other girl is oblivious. Acting fast, I grab Jasper.

"Get out. You need to get out of here NOW."

Even at a supernatural speed, this comes too late. Only a moment after understanding comes into Jasper's eyes they cloud with the thirst that we have all come to know too well, and I know that the scent has already reached him.

Alice stands in front of me, her small frame shielding the girl, who is not getting up from the floor. I find myself wondering almost idly if Jasper's thirst will really be strong enough to drive him against Alice.

Unfortunately, I soon get my answer. Jasper charges us both, and as Alice moves to block him off I half-tackle him and fling him into a metal door frame before he can attack me. The impact dents the door, but it is fortunate for all three of us- Alice, myself, and the girl- that the sudden urge was sufficient enough to override Jasper's logical fighting senses for the moment.

As Jasper jumps to his feet, Alice's voice flits into my head.

_Edward, I'll get this._

"No." I mutter, as quietly as I can. The last time it took both Emmett and myself to deal with Jasper; Alice's plan to deal with Jasper alone is utterly pointless. And there is also the small matter of the girl who is still standing there, looking terrified.

_Well, she should be._

Alice struggles furiously with Jasper, her litheness doing well against Jasper's basic tactics. I move to help her, so together we pin Jasper against the door, eyes dark and snarling terribly. Each time I see Jasper like this I understand Carlisle a little more, understand how despicable our natural ways must seem to him.

Alice, mentally thanking me, has begun to speak to Jasper.

"Calm down. Listen to me, Jasper. Jasper! Calm down..." It is somewhat ironic that Jasper can control the feelings of others, but has this amount of difficulty controlling his thirst. His thrashing lessens only slightly, but he is obviously nowhere near regaining his senses.

_I'll get a hold of Emmett and Rosalie._

I nod, set my teeth, and hold Jasper down more firmly while Alice dials.

"Emmett, bring Rosalie and get down here _right now._ Jaspers...lost it." Nice way to put it.

They arrive, and with Alice's help drag Emmett out. Rosalie notices the girl but only has time for a slightly accusatory glare before she becomes preoccupied with the situation.

I turn to the girl, holding my breath against the scent of blood that the fight with Jasper had distracted me from. What was I supposed to do with her?

Then a plan forms itself in the back of my mind.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

Yes, to the hospital, where Carlisle could help deal with this mess.

**If anyone feels like complaining that Edward seems very indifferent towards Bella right now, don't! I wont all be like that...**

**Next chapter should be up next week or sooner. Oh, and by the way, my Naruto oneshot is up if there are any Naruto fans reading this. :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**This is going to be a short chapter..Usually if I'm writing something longer this is the point at which problems start coming up. Because this is the point where I actually have to sit my ass down and deal with all those problems with the plot!**

Chapter Three

Bella POV

Panic over the spilled blood blinds me for a few moments, and I can't hear anything but that little voice in my head scolding me for being such a careless idiot. Gently pressing my hand against the cuts, I try to stop the blood. Then I look up/

_What in the fucking world?_

A bronze haired boy and the girl I walked into are grappling with a blonde boy who is snarling back at them. Their movements are so quick, its hard to keep up with them. But the thing that scares me the most is the look on the blonde's face.

Features that would otherwise have been attractive were twisted into an inhuman mask of malice.

Then two more people enter and drag him away. One of them, a tall blonde girl, glares at me as she leaves, a hint of accusation in her glance.

I flinch, confused. The three are gone; the whole incident from my fall to their leaving couldn't have taken more than one are two minutes. It's so silent now, it made me wonder if I had imagined it all.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

"Uh...what?" The voice startles me back into the present. The bronze haired boy is standing in front of me, a slightly scrutinizing look on his otherwise emotionless face.

"Oh. No. Thank you..I'm fine." The last thing I needed was someone to find out about those neat rows of still bleeding cuts up my arm.

***Sigh* Well chapter four is in the works, and I promise it will be a good departure from what we've seen up to now. Or at least thats what I think...**

**If anyone has any ideas about where the story could go from here, please let me know in the reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4: Alice

**Enjoy the new POV! ****And thank you to all the lovely people who reviewed, especially those who offered ideas for the plot, "Leila" and the mysterious "Guest".**

Chapter Four

Alice POV

The three of us-Rosalie, Emmett and I- managed to get Jasper out into the fresh air with minimal difficulty. It didn't take him very long to regain his better judgement; In a few moments he was in control of himself again.

My disappointment over the whole incident showed plainly, and I wasn't trying to hide it.

"Really, Jasper? I thought it would get easier for you...after all, its been a while."

Jasper looks up, his face carefully devoid of emotion.

"I'm sorry. Emmett, Rose, was it a lot of trouble."

"Oh, less than last time." Emmett grins and cracks his knuckles, earning him a few disapproving glances from Rosalie.

Unfortunately, Rosalie turns to me next.

"Alice. This time its you're to blame. Didn't you see anything about this?"

Crap. It seemed that Rosalie had already put two and two together. All too often I found myself wishing that "dumb blonde" applied to our kind.

I sigh, casting a regretful look at towards the general direction of the building. Rosalie taps a foot impatiently, expecting a response. When I don't offer one, she continues.

"This. Is. Not. Good. That girl, she saw the whole thing, didn't she? What do we do with her?"

"Rose. This is the twenty-first century. That sort of thing isn't as easy anymore." Japser's voice is gentle, but there's a slightly reprimanding edge in it that Rosalie will not appreciate. I break in, hoping to avert the impending arguement.

"Alright, okay. We'll discuss this with Carlisle and Esme tonight. Jasper, I don't think it would matter much if you spent the rest of the day at home."

"Tonight? You've got t be kidding. Half the school will hear of this by then."

Jasper nods at me, and I close my eyes, focusing my thoughts onto the future. What I see is not at all expected, and my eyes fly open in shock.

_Edward and...who the heck is that?_

"Alice?" Japser stares at me, concerned.

"I'm fine. Give me a minute."

Clearing the vision from my mind, I concentrate on the rest of the day. Then I open m eyes again with a grim satisfaction. I was not looking forward to the meeting tonight, which Rosalie was sure to make unpleasant.

"It'll be fine. The girl wont talk."

"I know, its hard, but it takes time, right? Don't be too hard on yourself."

"Just don't count the centuries for me." Jasper mutters, slightly bitter. I'm not sure what to say to that, so I get out my car keys and start for the parking lot.

"Nobody said that it would take centuries", I say, in what I hope is a lighter tone than his.

Back in my car, I take a moment to think over my previous visions. Were they even possible? For all the effort I had put into learning about the girl's future, there was nothing particularly happy about it.

Other than that one, small possibility that she could be Edward Cullen's soul mate.

Pushing that thought away, I start the car and head for the hospital, in the hopes of forewarning Carlisle.

**:) This was a *fun* chapter for me to write; Hope you liked it too. Should I write more Alice POVs? To be honest, its more comfortable to write in her "mind" than to write from Edward's (awkward). Let me know :D**


	5. Chapter 4: Filler Chapter

_**Sigh. **_**I wrote the entire of what I thought would be a chapter five, then I read it over and realized that there was a weird time skip between Chapter Four and what I wanted as Chapter Five. So here is a quick 4.5 to fill in the gap.**

Chapter 4.5

Edward POV

"No. I'm fine, really. Thank you." She attempted a smile, then began to walk away.

What was I supposed to say? Instinctively, I began to search her mind for anything that could change her mind. Surprisingly, I found that I could not hear her thoughts at all.

She was nearly at the other end of the all now. I catch up to her easily, in a few strides. The girl turns around with a slightly questioning look.

"I-"

_What was I doing?_

"I didn't ask your name. That was rude of me."

If my blunt question (statement?) confused her, she didn't show it. Only a hint of anxiety was noticeable on her features as a smile played across her lips.

"Bella Swan."

For the first time I got a good look at her face. Bella had delicate, pale features that reminded one of a fragile object, perhaps a porcelain doll. Her hair was long, brown, and now that I had overcome the scent of blood, she smelled more like strawberries.

I realized then that I had heard of her through other people's thoughts, but I had difficulty connecting their opinions of her to the girl I was speaking to now.

"I'm Edward Cullen," I offered, trying harder to lose the cold tone.

"Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you before." She blushed, looking down as if fearing that she'd said too much.

I answered with the smoothness that decades of the same statements had given me.

"My family has jut moved to Forks."

As a bell sounded above us, other students began to pour into the hallway. I winced slightly as their thoughts and voices flitted into my mind.

_Looks like Isabella Marie thinks she has a chance with the hot new guy._

_Whats the emo slut doing, flirting with Edward Cullen?_

_So the resident whore is trying to get off on every new guy who moves to Forks?_

Bella stands still for a moment, then walks slowly down the end of the hall, a faintly miserable look on her face. Disgusted by their talk, I turn on my way towards the exit, readying myself for the torrents of unholy fire that Rosalie was probably preparing for me.

Bella POV

A lengthy history of enduring the murmurs of others meant that I was slightly desensitized by them, but I still found it unfortunate that Edward had to hear it all.

_A minute after meeting the only person in Forks who has no bad opinions about you, he thinks you're a slut._

Still, it was a close call. I would have done anything to keep my self harm a secret.

_As if I'd want to throw them something else to talk about._


	6. Chapter 5

**This is a little soon..but.  
>Enjoy the new chapter! And happy Valentine's day, if that's your thing, with *love?* from the most jaded Valentines day hater EVER.<strong>

**Chapter Five**

Edward POV

Carlisle would be home in an hour or two, which was a relief, because I was hoping that his presence would calm Rosalie down. For the better part of the evening she had been directing a mental barrage of yelling at Alice, Jasper and myself.

_You and your useless gift. You can't even see something that simple coming. Oh, and you stayed behind and talked to her, didn't you? That was the perfect opportunity, and you didn't take it, you moron!_

I sigh, annoyed, but feel a pang of guilt creep up on me. With my ability and Alice's talent combined, shouldn't have we been able to prevent something like this? As my mind wanders again, I catch myself thinking about her.

Isabella Marie. Bella.

I was unable to read her mind in any way, and that in itself was intriguing. Although it made me question my abilities a little, it-

The front door opens quietly downstairs. I can hear everyone else gathering into the dining room, sitting around the table that was reserved for such purposes.

It became clear from the moment I entered the room that two very clear sides had already been taken. Amazingly, though, I found that Jasper was with Rosalie in her stand to, well, do away with Bella. I supposed that it was his guilt that made him want to take such an action to absolve his blame, but it was odd, seeing that Rosalie still held him accountable for the incident.

Rosalie began before Carlisle had a chance to speak.

"Carlisle. Let me handle this. You know that I have excellent self control. I wont leave any evidence behind me."

I snarled. "Yes, we all know what a proficient assassin you are.

Jasper nodded, but in agreement to Rosalie.

"Shes right. We cant afford to leave actual evidence behind us in a human. As the cause of this incident I take full responsibility..."

Alice gasps, horrified.

"Jasper! You wouldn't..."

Carlisle seems grim, but decided. "I understand your wish to take responsibility for this, but we can not have this girl, an innocent, murdered in cold blood."

Rosalie glares, ready to argue her position. "Think about what Jasper said! We've left rumours behind us before, but never a witness! Never actual evidence!"

Alice turns towards me slightly. _We need to convince them that Bella wont talk._

Apparently, Alice is aware that I am against Rosalie and and Jasper. And Emmett, I suppose. Naturally, Emmett would support Rosalie. I raise my eyebrows slightly, and Alive understands.

_How?_

Her frustration begins to climb. She knows that I am unable to read Bella's mind, so we must go on her visions alone. She shows me several, a sad look on her face.

A few looks is all it takes. Suppressing emotions that I thought were extinct to me, I speak up again.

"Alice and I can assure you that no harm will come of letting Bella be."

Of course, Rosalie isn't convinced.

"You think so? People these days. Couldn't shut them up without soldering their kips together."

Alice rolls her eyes. _I wish we could find a way to do this without revealing her history, but I don't think we can. _She turns to Carlisle and Esme, but takes time to shoot Jasper a reproachful look.

"Bella is mistreated by her father and most of the people at school. Even if she wanted to say something about this, she wouldn't have anyone to say it to. Besides, she is an introvert."

Thankfully, Rosalie calms down.

"You should have been more careful. But on the other hand, who would have known that the girl would get hurt?" She muses, trying to personally exonerate Jasper.

Esme looks concerned. "Is she alright?"

Carlisle shakes his head. "You should have brought her to me, Edward."

"Well, it wasn't our fault, really" Alice begins. I realize what she is going o say, but she continues before I can interrupt. "The wounds were from before the incident. They were self inflicted."

**Review and let me know what you think! Next chapter will be out next week.**


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Edward POV

Immediately I jump to my feet, indignant for no apparent reason.

"Didn't we agree to protect Bella as much as possible?"

Alice looks up innocently.

"I only thought it would be best if Carlisle knew. That sort of thing is, well..." Her voice trails off, and old, human memories of past images surface her mind. She shakes them off as I try to distract myself from seeing them. "DId I really say that? I mean..." My mind computes my earlier words and I realize what I said.

"Oh." Hurriedly, I try to come up with an explanation. Damnit, lying to humans is easy. Contact lenses, foreign education, adoption...Lying to my "family", though, is a difficult task.

"Don't bother with it, Edward. Anyway, I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I do care about Bella, you know." A slightly conspicuous smile flits over her face. "Bella and I are going to be very good friends in the future."

We all stare at her this time, uncomprehendingly. It was Rosalie who broke the confused silence.

"Well, if you had spoken of her _problems _earlier it would have been quite helpful. It would have been easy to write off her death as suicide."

Everyone but Emmett immediately turned on her.

"Rosalie...how _could _ you be so callous?"

"Thats just cruel, and unnecessary."

Even Jasper shakes his head in disapproval. Rosalie glares at Alice, more accusation in her eyes.

"You sympathize too much with the humans."

Esme speaks up, her warm eyes filled with emotion that would melt any heart.

"Don't forget what we all were, once."

At this Rosalie retreats sullenly. Carlisle gets up as well, and the rest of us slowly scatter around the house, now that the meeting is over. Alice remains, grinning at me.

"Well, that turned out well, didn't it?"

I groan inwardly, then force a reply.

"Sure, sure. Rosalie will be sore for a week."

Alice doesn't lose a drop of her countenance.

"Ah, well. We did what we should have, anyway." Then, a muttered afterthought. "And protected the future, thank goodness."

"...What?"

Alice's thoughts shift wildly in an obvious attempt at internal distraction. Or, should I say, to distract me from the subject of her thoughts. A moment or two later, they become clear, and I discover what Alice tries hurriedly to hide.

"What the...I'm going to...what? I'm going to fall in love with her?"

Several gasps echo down from the hallway, and I don't even bother trying to pick out who they belonged to. Then a whisper.

"Fall for her? Fall in love with a human?"

Esme's voice. Of course they heard, of course they all heard...

"And this is decided?" Alice again shifts uncomfortably.

"Not entirely...no...there is the other possibility..." After a brief mental struggle this other possibility lies uncovered. I gasp, appalled at the sight.

"Heaven forbid..."

**Thanks to vampirelady13 for the "verbal" kick in the ass ^^ not rude at all I also hate it when people don't finish their stories...but once we start writing we discover our inner hypocrites unfortunately.**

**I must apologize for the long wait. At the time that I first posted this story I was quite a terrible writer. I began writing in a style, voice, and POV that I was not familiar with or experienced with, and the OOC was a reflection of certain problems I was having at the time (which may or may not come as a surprise to you guys). A one-shot (** s/10080209/1/Neji-s-Sacrifice**) and a nearly completed fic (** s/10214076/1/And-in-the-Dead-of-Quiet**) later I feel as if I've matured a bit as a writer, as they were both in tones I were comfortable with, so this story feels a bit like little me biting off way more than I can chew.**

**Maybe a lot of you guys have already given up on this story. If so, I don't really get the point of continuing it, though I probably should finish whatever shit I stir up. Let me know if you guys are still waiting...**


	8. Chapter 7

**Well, damn. Just as I was going to walk away from this story, you guys in the reviews managed to convince me that I still had adequate life and writing skills left in me. So this story is going to continue...**

Chapter Seven

Bella POV

Somehow I managed to get through the rest of the day in one piece.

There are some things I try not to think about, because thinking weird shit over never actually does anything about them. Like the frighteningly animatistic boy in the hallway who tried attack me. Well, that would mean just one more group of people to avoid at school, as if I wasn't trying to avoid enough people already.

_Seriously now, Bella. Block it out if you like, but you can't ignore the fact that there was something odd about what happened today. That amount of physical ability isn't human...Oh, get it together. Getting analytical never helped anyone._

I lean back against my bed with a sigh. Charlie isn't home yet, which is good. Taking this opportunity to check my arms, I walk to the bathroom and rinse dried blood off the cuts. The water stings actually stings a lot, and I resolve to ignore the razor blades I have hidden in my backpack.

Then the front door opens loudly and I jump, hoping to god that he isn't in a bad mood. When a few minutes pass without any sound, I conclude that he must be asleep on the couch or passed out drunk.

A trip downstairs confirms the former. I start on my homework- failing grades might mean Charlie getting notified, and where would I be then?

A few hours of half-hearted schoolwork later, I end up asleep on the table.

Edward's POV

_Its too bad that Alice's visions have always been reliable. What I'd give for her to be incorrect, just once, so all this..._

_No. It really can't be helped, and didn't Alice "see" Jasper before she ever met him? _

Wanting for Alice's visions to come true was, if anything, undeniably selfish. I couldn't deny that I was lonely, in fact, it was clear to everyone in the family that I was. But it was illogical to even consider a relationship with a human without acknowledging that I would have to reveal what I was. Alice seemed to have either completely ignored this, or she knew that it would work out.

I stop pacing the front yard of my home. The frenzied discussions taking place inside of it, not to mention all the thoughts going around, were beginning to take their toll on my composure. I was sure that pretty soon I would lose it and dash back inside to shake the hell out of a certain few members of the coven. Since Alice will likely defend me well, I decide to take the most irrational route possible.

Heading back to the school, I track the scent of the girl's blood until I reach what must be her home. Its already quite late, and there is no sound coming from the house, so I climb through the open window and into Bella's room.

She is asleep on her desk, books and papers scattered around her. I catch the scent of her blood and remind myself to hold my breath, but curiosity wins me over. I pull the sleeve of her jacket back gently to reveal the mess of red, half-healed cuts over her skin. I had already seen this in Alice's mind, but seeing it in actual life seemed worse. After a moment's thought I rummage carefully through a school bag on the floor until I find what I am looking for: a package of sharp blades. I pick them out and pocket them before replacing the bag and stepping out the window again.

**Ugh, I know, another short chapter. This time I wasn't sure how I wanted to advance the story, but I really wanted a chapter up.**

**So comment your ideas on where you think the story should go, what you think should happen next, etc, so I can take them super seriously and post a quality, longer chapter next time.**


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Bella POV

Saturday. Thank goodness.

The first break from the weekday usually meant a day outside the house, possible on the streets, and then a hesitant reappearance on Sunday afternoon. I drag myself off the desk and stretch out my back, sore from being bent over the whole night. The weather isn't terrible, so I pick up my bag and head for the forested area of town.

Not a terrible day, sure, but its still humid. By the time I get to a place between the trees where I can take a sat, my skin is covered with a thin layer of moisture. I pull my hoodie off; This is one of the few places where its okay to wear short sleeves. The isolation here is the reason why I frequent the forest. Its weird to want to be alone when you're alone most of the time, but this sort of loneliness feels oddly protective.

Lying down on my jacket, I turn over and dig through my backpack for my blades. I don't actually mean to cut...its just comforting to have the blades- and the option- near me. When a few minutes of searching turns up with nothing, I start to worry.

I've always kept my blades in my backpack, and after I take them out I replace them right away. I'm not a big enough idiot to have misplaced them, so that one was impossible. What if someone took them? God knows how many rumours there are around school. Okay, fine, mainly two: That I'm a junkie, and that I'm a prostitute. But if someone caught a glimpse of my arms by accident, or went through my bag for proof...

Fuck my life. Why does this have to happen?

I throw myself back against the damp grass in a ridiculous fit of frustration and panic. Its one thing to lose a package of blades out of carelessness and have to waste money replacing them. It was entirely another to have to worry about the entire school, and possibly Charlie as well, find out that you're a demented, masochistic freak.

Because why wouldn't they think so? Heaven knows how much more I'd prefer "slut" as a title.

Sitting back up, I run my fingers down the scars that cover the inside of my left arm, then start to pick absently at a scab from the previous morning. Right now I wish that I could just stay here forever, away from the assholes at school, away from Charlie, with absolutely nothing to remind me of what a mess my life has turned into.

Except for the marks on my skin. Except for these cuts that have grown too numerous for me to count, that keep on healing and reappearing, unlike the feelings that put them there.

Those always stay the same.

A small sound makes turn, and as a rapid afterthought I hide my arms. With a bit of dismay I realize that someone else is in the forest. Without bothering to find out who it is I jump up, intending to leave. Then I look down at the scattered contents of my backpack and groan inwardly. My things are all over the grass, and will probably take an eternity to pick up.

"Need some help with that?" Turning around again finds me face to face with the boy who spoke to me in the hallway yesterday.

"Uh, thanks." I stammer awkwardly. "Your name is Edward, right?" Well done, Bella. That sounds so much better than "what the heck are you doing here" or "what is up with your superhuman siblings".

I get a nod in return. Kneeling down, I start to clumsily dump my stuff back into my bag. Edward scoops stuff up far more quickly than I do, managing to replace more than half of my things before I've gotten barely an armful in.

"Theres hardly anyone around here in the mornings."

I glance up, wondering if that was just a rewording of the more blunt "what are you doing here".

"Thats...why I come here. For the quiet." My voice seems to match my words perfectly. Then I forge on, hoping that I haven't unintentionally implied that he'd disturbed me. "You have siblings, right? You would probably understand."

Edward chuckles softly. "Of course." Then he pauses, turning an oddly scrutinizing look on me. "Aren't you an only child?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Well, yes, but..." I trail off, confused. "How on earth do you know that?"

He smiles, half apologetic, half defensive. "I thought it was common knowledge."

"Oh." I blush, feeling stupid and looking down at my feet. When I find Edward following my downwards gaze I remember with alarm that my arms are bare. After casting a panicky look at my hoodie, which is still on the ground, I back away slightly and snatch up my bag, preparing to make a run for it. Not that it would likely make that much of a difference. With my shitty luck the whole school would know by Monday.

"I have to go. Sorry." With a half-hearted, likely indistinguishable mumble, I throw my jacket on and dash out of the woods without a second glance behind me.

**Okay, dear readers. I know that you all want me to make my chapters longer. ****And I'll try, but sadly that's a double edged request. Longer chapters mean longer wait times between chapters. ****Thank you all so much for the encouragement (all ye unnamed Guests XD) and the great input. Especially LillyZ and Grimfwaters (hope you don't mind me mentioning you..) for the ideas! Speaking of which, I will always be in need of :P**


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Edward POV

I laughed a bit when Bella mentioned my "siblings". Of course, she didn't know the half of it. Ever since Alice and I's imprudently public discussion of the future( living with vampires meant that the word "public" carried a rough one-mile radius) the coven had been buzzing- or, roaring, rather- with mental remarks. Not surprisingly, the nastiest ones had come from Rosalie, though I couldn't quite blame her. Insults typically stung her more than injuries, not that the latter was possible anyway.

It wasn't difficult to guess what Bella was thinking as she fled the forest. THe great irony of about her was that, although she was incredibly easy to read in reality, I was still unable to hear a word of her thoughts.

I didn't try to follow her this time. In all honesty I hadn't even intended to talk to her, much less see her, in the forest, only noticed her scent and decided to linger in the area. I tried to tell myself that I was merely making sure she wouldn't do anything to harm herself, since she had obviously noticed the absence of her blades.

Alone in the woods, I allowed myself an audible sigh. If I was trying to cheat the future, why was I allowing myself to get into Bella's life? I had to admit that she intrigued me. Had I already haf-accepted Alice's visions as fate?

"Damn you, Alice.", I mutter. Sometimes ignorance was bliss, and this was likely one of those situations.

Bella POV

Once outside the forest I was at a sudden loss as to what to do next. Fifteen or so minutes later I found myself again standing in front of my "home", if one could call it that. I'd grown tired of wandering aimlessly around town, although going home this early struck me as unimaginably stupid. Then I brushed the feeling off with a brazen rashness and slipped around to the back door, hoping that Carlie wasn't in the kitchen.

As my luck would have it, he was. It was twelve-o-fucking-clock and Charlie was clearly drowning in vodka, and therefore as far as he could be from his right mind.

My first instinct is to run back outside and slam the door as quickly as possible. That plan is immediately dissolved when a bottle hits the door frame above me, raining glass shards onto me. I cover my head with my arms and feel cold pain spike through my hands. A piece just barely misses my eye, then draws a bloody line down my cheekbone.

"What were you up to, out so early, huh? Or were you just getting back after last night?"

I don't respond to Charlie's yelling, knowing from experience that any sort of response only provokes him further.

"I asked you a fucking question!" I flinch as he picks a shard of glass of the floor and waves it at me. "Hopefully you charge more than your mother...that bitch would've given it for free." He cuts ff his rant by grabbing something off the counter and throwing it in my direction. Ludicrously enough, I dodge it as it collides with the wall, but the object whacks me on its way down.

"Well, remember I'm not paying for any of your little accidents." He cackles for a moment, then returns to his yelling. "What the hell are you standing there gawking for? Get the fuck out."

I don't need to be told twice, and in my haste I slip on the smaller fragments of glass on the floor. Breaking my fall with my hands gets numerous pieces lodged in my palms, and something hits me in the back as I get up off the ground.

"Clumsy bitch." I scramble outside as the door slams shut, and I hear the lock click behind me. Theres only one house key, and Charlie carries it around, so I probably wont be back in the house for a while. Cursing my lamentable lack of good judgement, I sit down on the ground and take a look at my bleeding hands. GIngerly picking a few shards out of my palms, I press the deeper ones against the hem of my shirt and swipe the back of my wrist over the cheek. A gush on my eft hand wont stop bleeding even after I wrap it up a bit, making me wonder if it needs to be stitched up.

I end up holding the edges of the cut together with scotch tape and stare numbly as the blood dries. Wounds don't bother me anymore. Its so easy to break skin, spill blood, and I'm so desensitized to it it actually scares me. At the very least, it doesn't hurt too bad, just stings from the drops of alcohol that's gotten mixed in. I make a mental note to try and rinse out the cuts later; Discovery due to carelessness would be no ones fault but mine. Though it might not make any difference since more than one person evidently already knew about the cutting.

As I get up I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window. There is blood smudged down one side of my face, and I hurriedly wipe it off. The cut is visible, so I let my hair fall to hide it. On my way I take a piece of sharp glass from the ground, wrap it in some tissue, and pocket it.

The rest of the day is sent reading on a park bench. Only when it gets dark do I consider returning to the house. That particular idea is quickly dropped.

I've spent more than my share of nights sleeping on park benches, although this time it hurts the swollen bruise on my back. I ignore it for a while, until it starts to rain.

"Oh, shit." Looking around me for some form of shelter, my gaze falls on the playground, which is abandoned for the night. With a sarcastic laugh at how pathetic I've gotten, I climb into the crawl tube- you know, the hollow plastic cylinder small children like to crawl in? Not exactly anyone's idea of a bed, but at least its relatively dry.

*Still in Bella POV*

I wake up the next morning before sunrise, after a night of expectedly crappy sleep. The doors are still locked at home, and a look in the window confirms that Charlie is either asleep or passed out drunk. After a few moment's consideration I walk to side of the house, praying that the windows aren't locked.

Fortunately for me, it isn't. I manage to push it open without major creaking, and I'm skinny enough to get through with a minimal amount of difficulty. My grip on the sides of the frame scrape the scabs on my hands open, so once inside I have to rub the blood off to make it look less like the set of a low- budget crime drama.

A shower and a change of clothes later, I prepare to head outside again. Then an idea works its way into my head. If Charlie thinks that I'm still outside of the house, he'd never look for me in my room, right?

I'm tired as fuck and that's likely screwing with my decision making. Taking the pillow from my bed, I cram myself into the tiny space in my closet and fall asleep.

**There you go. A bit longer than usual, I hope. Again, thank you so much, readers and reviewers,:) very kind "guest" and "Hiiiii"**


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Bella POV

An uncomfortable Sunday ended up being spent in intervals of alternating napping and reading. It seems quiet to most people, but it gets somewhat suffocating when you spend twenty-four hours doing nearly nothing else! I was lucky to be able to avoid Charlie this time, since he seemed to prefer staying downstairs. I was almost grateful when Monday came around, but that feeling disintegrated into dread when I stepped into the school and remembered the missing blades. If they had really been stolen, today would be the day the that the consequences would hit.

Half my worries were stilled when my morning classes went by with only the usual amount of cruelty. My hands were hidden under the sleeves of my hoodie, so I felt somewhat confident about my abilities to hide them until they healed a bit. Taking a seat in the back of the classroom after lunch, I noted that Edward was absent. It was odd, considering that he was considered a perfect student by most. Honestly, I was just a little bit disappointed. Edward was...a curiousity, to put it lightly. Okay, he was obviously attractive, and there were hordes of female admirers who wanted his attention. But add to that some evidently superhuman abilities and an unfazeably icy countenance...I wasn't sure what to think about that particular Cullen.

Mr Banner begins talking just as my focus cuts off completely. Then my attention is turned to the front of the room, and I remember what we are doing today.

Oh, _perfect._ Blood typing.

I suppress an immediate feeling of panic and glance down at my hands, which doesn't do a good job of distracting me. The students have to prick their fingers for blood, so my only option would be to avoid participating. I hadn't thought it was such a big deal when it was first announced last week, but I also hadn't anticipated screwing up my hands. Of course, the better thing to consider would be the question of _how _I planned to avoid it.

My problems are solved when a student staggers to his feet, looking like hes about to puke. As he leaves the room, I get up and prepare to fake a case of hemophobia. Luckily, it doesn't take much. The teacher waves me out, seemingly amused. At first I walk in the direction of the nurse's office, but change my mind and decide that ditching the rest of the day wouldn't hurt.

What will I do for the rest of the day? Come to think of it, I don't have that many options. Definitely not home, and I actually had no idea what Charlie did during the day. I sit down on the curb and peer around the parking lot. I don't see anyone, so I relax and decide that its probably safe to spend a bit more time here. Remembering the glass shards from a day ago, I take the wrapped pieces from my bag and pick the paper off. I press the tip against my finger, mimicking what was demonstrated in class. The resulting drop of blood hits the pavement , and my mind starts wandering again, completely ignoring whatever it is that my hands see fit to do with themselves. When I break out of it I find that I've been tracing the fragment up and down the line of my thumb, not deeply, but enough to mark the area with skinny cracks of red. Wiping my hand clean, I stand up, unsure of where to go.

"You alright?'

I gasp and spin around, the hand still closed around the piece if glass gripping it a little too tightly. I wince and slip both hand and shard discreetly into my pocket. My "yes" sounds wildly unconvincing. Looking up, I'm more confused than I am surprised.

How the heck do I keep running into Edward Cullen? I twist the look of shock off my face and hurry to redirect the subject.

"Where were you in Biology?" He looks at me funny, making me realize how ironic my question is.

"I was in my car, listening to music." The way he said it, you would think it was completely ordinary.

"You ditched?" I prompt, smiling a little at his nod, and I can't help but wonder why.

"What about yourself?" A nearly undetectable glint of mischief shows in his eyes, and I sigh, knowing how difficult coming up with an explanation would prove.

Fidgeting with the edge of my hoodie, I can see the spots of red on my fingers. Hard to plead such a phobia when your hands are marked with red.

**Yeah...in this fic Bella isn't actually afraid of blood. Sorry if any of you don't like that OOCness ^_* **

**How many of you would like it if I started uploading regluarly on a set day of the week? The advantage of this would be that updates would be very consistent, however if I finished a chapter quickly I would have to wait to post it. Please let me know in the review; Your input is very much appreciated!**


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Edward POV

It was pretty damn obvious why she was avoiding the blood typing.

I could smell the faint scent of blood on her hands and couldn't help but wonder what had happened. Most likely she'd cut herself again...I felt a small twinge of annoyance at myself for thinking that I could stop her _just by taking her blades. _

This wasn't any of my business, trying to help her in this helpless way. I hadn't the faintest idea what I was doing, and somehow I wanted so badly to protect her from herself. Clearly I was the most useless, clueless dolt on the face of the earth. How could I help Bella if I wasn't trying to get involved in her life? Bella needed help, but probably not from me. I was extremely glad that I was the only mind -reader in my family. I could only imagine the sort of crap I'd get from Rosalie and the rest of them, maybe even from Carlisle.

I felt a little guilty for asking her for an explanation when it would obviously be forcing her to lie.

"Uh...I just..." Her brow creases for a second, halfway between frustration and fear. "I wasn't feeling well, so I decided to skip."

Laughing a bit, I try to lighten the mood. "Oh, thats all? You looked like you were about to fain.t I would have thought you were terrified of blood or something."

Unexpectedly, she laughs too. "Yeah, I'm sure the teacher figured as much."

"Need a ride home? I wont be back in school today anyway."

Bella shakes her head. "No, home would be just about the last place I'd want to be today. I have no idea what I'll do for the rest of the day."

* * *

><p>Bella POV<p>

"No, home would be just about the last place I'd want to be today. I have no idea what I'll do for the rest of the day."

Well, thats honest for once. I find it incredibly bizarre that no one ever picks up on the fact that I lie so much; I'm basically an open book, but that doesn't mean a thing when practically no one gives a damn about you. That having been said, I'm almost always grateful for that.

Giddily brave after my earlier escape, I keep rambling.

"I think I'll spend the day in the forest."

"Thats a long way to walk. I can still drive you there."

Whats the worst that could happen? My mind wanders through a couple of situations, all of which somehow strike me as funny.

"Sure, thanks." Could I have been any more awkward?

A couple seconds later I'm climbing into possibly the most expensive car I've seen in my life, and maybe the most durable one too, because the side of my forehead is forming a dark bruise where I smacked it into the frame. As Edward starts the car, I recognize the music playing.

"Thats Chopin, isn't it?"

"Yes, one of the Impromptus. Its a beautiful piece."

It didn't seem like the sort of music I imagined Edward would like. It was emotional and agitated, nothing at all like the cool and composed image of Edward Cullen.

Looking up, I realize that Edward is watching me closely.

"What do you think of it?" He asks, finally, likely confused by my expression.

"Oh...It just didn't seem like your... type."

I pause, thinking about what I just said, and mentally kick myself. Luckily, I'm spared from having to make another comment.

"Too passionate?" Amusement plays across his pale features, and I'm startled by his accuracy.

"Would it offend you if I were to say that I agree completely..."

"Not at all. I've heard that many times."

**This sort of sucks. I need more ideas...**

**I am sincerely sorry that I've kept you waiting for so long. ARCT exam is coming up and school is getting awfully hectic and I'm turning into a ranting psychopath on my blog. Im considering putting this fic on hiatus simply because I have too much shit going on in my life right now, but I can promise you that after June 25, the day of my exam, that I will be updating _faithfully every week. _**

**Oh, and about the Chopin. I feel like Clair de Lune is sorta cold...its frickin' Impressionism, 'kay? Lets go OOC! Look up Fantasie Impromptu on youtube if you are curious ;)**


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Bella POV

I've always preferred being alone over being alone with someone else. Maybe it grew out of living with Charlie, or the subtle paranoia that cutting myself keeps just below the surface. Whichever or whatever, the past few days have been bizarre. And I guess thats why I expect myself to feel a bit more uncomfortable now, but I don't and that almost disturbs me.

_I should say something._

We are sitting in the damp grass of the meadow, neither of us speaking. Edward seems to be enjoying the air, or the silence, and I'm trying to hide the fact that I've been observing him.

I'm not sure why I don't mind being around him as much as I should. Hes obvious eye candy to most of the female students at school (and I had to admit that he was attractive), but I feel like theres something more beneath his alien perfection. I've always known intuitively when others were hiding something, almost like the way I used to walk into rooms and be able to tell which people didn't want to be there. Or maybe I was just trying to thinking of all this complicated nonsense to avoid accepting that I had become somewhat obsessed with Edward...

It would be difficult not to be, anyway.

* * *

><p>Edward POV<p>

She is beautiful.

I want desperately to understand her, to speak to her, to touch the thoughts that have somehow eluded me. I want this so much, and it pains me beyond anything to know that I cannot.

And I have never envied my family more than I do now. Bella is sitting there, lost in thought, so I keep my face empty of everything that is going through my head. I've admitted to myself that Alice was right, that I'm in love with a human, and I know there are only a few ways for this to turn out. It would be selfish to keep her, and equally terrible to let her go. Theres a part of me that wishes that I'd never met Bella, because I'd be much happier spending the remainder of my existence alone than find someone to love but never hold.

* * *

><p>Alice POV<p>

Jasper and I cornered him as soon as he got back. I was now regretting that I had let Edward know of what would happen; It would have been much easier to just let things fall into place on their own.

And now Edward was in an obvious state of mental torment.

"Listen, Edward, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you-"

He cuts me off, irritation and forceful resignation in his tone.

"That may be the least of my problems now."

I glance at Jasper, whose confusion mirrored my own.

"You're the psychic. Haven't you thought ahead?"

Edward sighs, but I rub my hands together with glee.

"Its all going to turn out fine, Edward."

An exasperated glare tells me that he thinks otherwise.

"What you see, Alive, is horribly one sided. Not only that, but you've told me nothing but _how it will turn out. _Bella knows nothing about us, nothing about _us._ And even if things turn out fine, and shes happy, I'll have to give her up someday."

_You can be such an idiot sometimes. Haven't you considered..._

Edward's head snaps back up.

"Of course I have, and I would never subject her to _that._"

Jasper retreats to the back of the room.

_He'll rein you in if you get out of hand._

Edward chuckles, but the sound comes out harsh and forced.

"Alice. Rant all you like about your outcome, but please tell me that everything will go well before that."

I grimace, forced to admit the shortcomings of my gift.

"No...that changes. But-"

"Damnit, Alice! THATS NOT WHAT I NEED TO HEAR!"

He exhales, shooting a look at a now attentive Jasper before heading for the door.

"Back off, Alice. You can't possibly understand this."

I don't bother trying to find out where he's going.

"Was I too optimistic about all this?" Jasper stays silent for a moment, then gets up to wrap an arm around me.

"Maybe...but you know he's right about one thing."

He doesn't need to say it, but I can hear the words anyway.

**Yes...Im back and writing. I apologize sincerely for the terrible wait.**


	14. Chapter 13

**Warning: Contains drinking and self harm. Message me if you decide not to read and want a summary.**

Chapter Fourteen

Bella POV

If things can go wrong, things will go wrong.

Whatever I'd felt in the meadow beside Edward had evaporated the moment I got home. Honestly I preferred it when Charlie was completely incapacitated by his habits, or even when he was in a drunken rage. Today he'd happened to be sober enough to notice the shattered glass and general disarray that the house had fallen into.

Sober enough to threaten a beating if I didn't sort everything out.

Sore, cut up hands proved more than a nuisance. A few hours later the house was clean, Charlie once again drunk. I had dropped and knocked over more than a couple things in the process. There was a slight bruise on my left cheekbone where he'd hit me, and my upper back stung and ached. I turn on the water and press a cold towel to my face, trying not to see my reflection.

_If I detest Charlie, then I despise myself._

I couldn't fight him, no, I was far too weak and way too skinny. I found it incredible that anything earlier in the day had happened at all, that Edward and the strange peacefulness I'd felt were futile memories.

_Why would Edward Cullen pay any attention to you. Look at yourself, Bella. It's hopeless, you're hopeless…_

I pull the glimmering object out of my bag without thinking, then stop when its point is poised over the inside of my arm.

No, I have a better idea. Downstairs, I reach through Charlie's collection, pushing aside can after can of cheap beer and dark bottles. I find several small, clear bottles in the back and gather up a few.

The first time I'd lost my blades I'd been forced to find new ways to feel the same release. I remembered pressing a smoking match to my skin, eyes closed, jaw clenched at the smell.

The liquid burns me from the inside out, singeing the pit of my stomach until a more gulps bring the feeling to my head. I reach for the piece of glass, feel sharp awareness slice through the mess that my mind has become.

I watch on helplessly as my world fades into a bright red smear.

* * *

><p>Edward POV<p>

_I'm in my office, Edward. Come up._

Carlisle could always be counted on to use my ability effectively. I felt slightly guilty for being so harsh on Alice, but a century of experience told me that I could indeed hold her responsible for what she didn't know.

"Its alright, Carlisle. I don't know what Alice told you, but I'm fine." He doesn't look entirely convinced.

_I think you should know that if you do love Bella, we have nothing against it._

"But Rosalie-"

_She'll get over it._

I sighed, but nodded in understanding.

_And if the circumstance arises-_

"No." That was precisely the sort of thing I was trying to avoid thinking about.

_It may be inevitable, Edward. Bella is only human._

And then, as if on cue, a distressed Alice ran into the room.

She didn't need to speak. The image flashed through my mind, and instantly I wished that it hadn't.

* * *

><p>Bella POV<p>

When my vision clears up the confused, blurry feeling is replaced by a ferocious drumbeat on my temples. I crawl towards the washroom, suddenly conscious of dry blood on my hands and a strange taste in my mouth. Examining my hands, I realize that I'm still clutching the piece of glass. Shallow, crooked scratches line my arms.

_What the fuck did I do?_

I lean on the counter, filled with inexplicable dizziness. A second later I'm retching into the sink and trying to calm the burning feeling in my stomach and throat with water. A shower cleans away the blood but not the feeling. I kick empty bottles under my bed, as if their disappearance would erase the effects of the alcohol.

Picking up the shard on the table, I reopen a vague line down the inside of my wrist. A mixture of frustration and anger makes me press harder, and I'm rewarded with a trickle of blood on my fingers. I run the sharp edge into the cut again, deepening it, but slipping fingers and the remaining haziness in my brain pushes it too far.

The wound isn't spurting, but the rapid flow is dictated by a disturbing pulsing that I can't tear my eyes from. Clumsily, I try to staunch the blood, feeling the fingers of my left hand twitch uselessly. Whatever I'm doing isn't working, and seems to encourage the bleeding rather than stop it. The dripping noise gets progressively louder until it merges with the pounding in my head. I feel the cold floor against my cheek and wonder how I got there.

Someone is lifting me off the floor, or maybe it's the dizziness. I think I hear voices, but the noise is lost in the sound of blood hitting the ground.

**Yes...the wayward authoress is back and writing. You all have every right to be mad at me : /**


	15. Chapter 14

**This chapter is brought to you by cell phones that still have keyboards. Hallelujah.**

Chapter Fifteen

Edward POV

I had watched Carlisle at work many times, but I was certain that none of my family was ever less in awe of his superior control. of course, Jasper had been kicked out the moment Alice and I left the house.

Now i was holding by breath and following the movement of Carlisle's fingers as he stitched the gaping wound closed.

_I hope you have a plan. No, you had Better have a plan..._

It wasn't hard guessing who that thought belonged to. Rosalie had actually demanded that Bella be sedated the moment she was brought in, not that any of thought that it would make a difference. Bella hadn't spoken or moved from the moment we found her. The only things that had kept me from physically attacking Rosalie were Esme's intervention and the fact that I was carrying a bleeding human in my arms.

If Bella had been pale before, now she was...translucent. Against the white walls her skin was a deathly hue, and my mind found yet another reason to keep Isabella Swan alive and human for as long as possible.

_She'll we fine. She won't even need a transfusion. I could be less cliché, but you and Alice made it just in time. _

Carlisle stood and pushed a bloody pile of gauze into the trash. "Alice should be here to second that soon."

I open a bottle of bleach and began scrubbing the scent off of every surface in the room that was stained with red.

"The medication wears off in approximately half an hour." _Figure out what you're going to do._

I duck into the hall, pouring bleach over the trail of blood. I have no idea what to say or do when Bella comes to. Briefly I consider injecting her with more of the stuff and buying time, then slam my fist into the wall in exasperation as my mind draws an awful blank.

_Whoa there. Do I need to call Jasper back in?_

"Help me here, Alice." She purses her lips and sits down on the floor, legs crossed.

"We'd have to tell her, you know. If she was awake for the trip."

I freeze. Somehow that possibility hadn't even crossed my mind. Ten minutes ago my only thoughts were akin to "please, please let us have found her in time", and it was amazing how much I'd missed.

"Well, shit." I say finally. I can come up with nothing better, and "Rosalie would eviscerate us" was not a fitting alternative. Alice laughs.

"I'm not trying to sound patronizing here, but the eventual outcome is no different."

_Eventual._

Alice's eyes dart over to Bella, then back to me.

"So you'll tell her."

"What?" I clench my teeth and glare. Then my mind computes what she said.

"That'll work? And Carlisle?"

"He's alright with it. Look, Edward. I'll be honest. You're the mindreader, but we know. Even Rosalie. We all know that you love Bella, and we all know that she has to know someday."

I close my eyes and wait for it.

_Its going to happen, Edward. It can't be avoided._

"I'm going to distance myself from that until absolutely necessary."

But of course, Alice was right. And the only thing I questioned now was how suitable I would be for the talking.

"How were you told?" Alice smiles.

"He was considerate, but it was really straight forward. In the state I was in, anyway. I think it's more about the person than the people skills."

I allow myself a breath. "How will she take it?"

"Not too badly. In any case, we could always have Jasper in the next room."

"A lot of good that will do for both of then."

"Still worried?" I walk over to the bed, stared down at porcelain features and soft brown hair.

"Carlisle looked her over. Just in case, he said. Found...welts nd bruises all over her besides the cuts. From her father. I didn't know it was that bad. Sooner or later..."

"We'll think of something. Get rid of the bastard."

"I just..I just wish there was some other way."

"Other than changing her."

I nod, grateful.

"Well, you've got a little time. Hold on to that. And I would suggest that you start rehearsing."

Alice gets up and leaves. I block the sound of foreign thoughts from my head and take her advice.

"Hey, Edward, do you think she would mind if-"

"Yes. Most likely."

"Even if they were simple?"

"Alice, I'm really trying here. Unless you think you'd be better for the job..."

"Got it." She vanishes again, leaving me alone with Bella. The next thirty minutes go by far too quickly.

**Was originally planning to make this chapter a bit longer...**

**Thank you so much to all the reviewers and followers! If you tell me where you'd like the story to go in the reviews I will definitely consider using your ideas.**


	16. Chapter 15- END

"Well, what do you remember?" Edward's voice is oddly cautious.

"A lot. Most of it."

The first thing I'd been aware of was the drowsiness that et pulling at me. Then the ache of my wrist, and the bandages that were wrapped around it. The sight of which made no sense considering what I knew had happened. I remembered the sheer amount of blood and knew that I shouldn't have lived. Fear filled me, real fear, not the dull worry that weighted my life regularly. When I spoke, my voice stayed trapped in my throat.

"I..."

My face felt scorched, and I wondered why my thoughts were still so blurry. The sleeve of my jacket had been pulled up around the bandages, exposing skin and scars that I could trace back to years ago. The sight of them made me turn away quickly. Edward was still standing, silent, apprehension on his face. I didn't want to look at him, the image of perfection, next to me. Marred, plain, pathetic, and worst of all, utterly in love.\par Suddenly Edward was on his knees, concern in his eyes, hands just inches from mine. Our eyes meet for a second, and my fingers find my cheeks and touch the cheeks that I hadn't known had accumulated there. I squeeze my eyes closed. A cold touch brushes my exposed wrist, and despite bandages, numbness, and incredible fatigue I flinch and jerk away.

"Bella. Earlier, were you trying to-"

"No!" I'm startled by how defensive I sound. Angry, almost. "I don't know."

Why does Edward get to ask all the questions? I force a blank expression onto my face and look up.

"I think I'm not the only one with explaining to do." Edward shifts a bit, the single trace of emotion he shows now. I try to mirror him, more a distraction than a technique.

"I promise that I will tell you everything."

After a moment I accept this.

"Fine then." I squeak out. "Everything."

Edward pulls over a chair with exaggerated slowness and sits down beside me.

"Have you always lived with Charlie?" My mind immediately leaps to his actual meaning.

"Not always. It was mostly my mother that he hated."

"Have you always..."

"Same answer." I mutter, the defensiveness creeping back into my voice.

"Can you tell me why? I..its alright if you can't. I've seen enough to know that things are more complicated than people..make them to be." His cold hand slips under my clammy one. "Will you trust me?"

Hard to trust someone who knows so much about you, as if this is somehow a game and all the odds are for him. But for every fact he knows, or guessed about me I'm bizarrely and genuinely overjoyed to know that he's taken any notice of me at all.

"You know so much about me. You must know that I hate myself."

"That's the easy way out. Talk to me, Bella. Please." He begs, as if all of this is for him.

"I...I'm never sure. Distraction, sometimes...most of the time. Something to hold on to, even if it only makes things worse. I don't want to feel anything, but as soon as that happens I just want to feel something, anything at all."

Edward leans forward and takes both my hands into his, and for some reason, this reassures me.

"Bella, please...will you let me be your distraction?"

I look up to see his eyes filled with an emotion that I never imagined would be directed at me. And despite everything, I nod, and pray that things will fall into their place.

-end-

**Thank you all so much for putting up (or not putting up with, IDK) with my atrocious writing habits. **

**PLEASE READ** **Alright, I know that I could just irresponsibly end this story here, assuming that Alice's visions one-hundred percent come to pass and that ties off the fic. But how many of you would like a continuation...either as a sequel or extra chapters in a Part Two (separate story)? **

**If you do, please leave a comment in the reviews and (hopefully) specific things you would like to see go down in the story. OFC if all you want is to read Alice's predictions play out, thats fine too.**

**I promise to post an Authors Note by the first week of November relaying the fate of this fic. I really appreciate everyone who favorited, followed, read, or reviewed this story. Thank you for seeing this story out to its end (?).**


	17. Author's Note

Thank you to everyone who supported this story :)

I'll be starting part two on December first because of NaNoWriMo getting in the way of this month :( In the meantime if anyone wants to leave ideas for titles/scenes should write/anything similar it would be appreciated, because I am actually quite uncreative. Part two will be in a separate story, so if you are following me you'll be notified...

See you all in December!

*Oh, and to the guest who commented about Marianas Trench, you are my new best friend*


End file.
